I faked an abortion last night.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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