when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
