I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
