It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
