Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
