I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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