theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
