Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
