I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I CAN MOONWALK!
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
try to milk me bitch
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