Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
