there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
