2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
