I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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