i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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