so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
