I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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