I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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