At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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