I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
