I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
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