I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
