You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
