I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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