My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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