I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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