You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
