I can text with my tongue
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I stole a fireplace last night.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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