you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
