My Higher Power is John Stamos
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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