So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
