I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
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He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
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I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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