he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You ruined the universe
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