Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
