so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
