after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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