how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
this hospital has no fireball
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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