I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
