So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
