I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
