I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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