Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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