It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
