Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
