i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
