Where are you?
In a non slutty way
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
