This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
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Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
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I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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