i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
