sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
