is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Is Oprah even human
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
