I murdered the dance floor call the cops
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
