Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Randomize
