summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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