we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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