I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
What a dumb baby whore.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
