I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
