Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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