every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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