So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
