which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
