I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
