someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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