I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
