Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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