I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
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Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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